There are times.
September 1, 2014 | 4:13 PM
There are times when I don't know what I'm doing anymore. These times are not prolonged, they happen out of the blue, maybe when I'm listening to a Chinese song, or when I have five minutes to not be doing anything.
Today it happened when I was sitting in a cafe working on my transcription, listening to JJ Lin.
'I'm sorry I cannot be more supportive now.'
I don't know what being supportive means as an ex-boyfriend. I don't know what 'cannot' means here either. Maybe being a linguist has cursed me to think more about words, about utterances, maybe it's just me desperately trying to grasp at straws, anything.
I don't like not having the energy to care about other people, or not feeling like I'm truly caring when I find myself doing something for someone. 'Who's there for me then?' I find myself asking.
I know that's not true. I know I am loved. It's just hard to think about that right now. And maybe that's why I write, to remind myself.
velda
Faith.
August 22, 2014 | 12:48 AM
“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.
Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”
It's amazing that I trust Stephen Fry so much that I don't have a problem believing and living by what he says. Intelligence trumps an old book.
June 20, 2014 | 7:31 PM
It's gotten to a point where I'm so sian diao by all of this. By waiting for a text, him being so down that he's so busy, and struggling to find a time to talk and Skype each other. Am I asking for too much? Maybe I am.
He's trying his best. I have to trust that he is. Is he missing me? I have to trust that too. Am I being unreasonable then? Maybe I am.
Maybe I should just imagine he's away at war. Military wives go on with their lives, knowing that their husbands will contact them as soon as they can, and treasure that communication because it means he's still alive. But that not knowing, and constant worry they live in, is unimaginable. I probably am insulting them by showing how little I can bear.
I need to be stronger. Talking to friends make me stronger. Doing work makes me stronger. Not thinking about the next text, or the next Skype makes me stronger. I have decided now, then, that everytime I'm lonely, I will text friends. Friends whom I know are there to support me, and make sure I understand that my relationship with my boyfriend should be less dependent and less whiny. I am not a little girl, but I'm always acting like one. It must be really tiring to him, who is woking so hard on school, and work, and familial issues.
When in doubt, I need to read this. Yes I do.
May 7, 2014 | 11:31 AM
just a dinner.
or a movie.
a baseball game.
ohisashiburi.
May 5, 2014 | 8:44 PM
Apparently my blog works again. Just typing those first five words after a year of not typing anything felt strange and foreign; it's as though my fingers don't get the keyboard anymore. It has been a year of ups and downs, and just being somewhere so far away from home has changed me a lot.
Mum and Siyi are here now - I am really happy, yet at the same time they stand in such stark contrast to what I've been doing for the past two years. I don't really understand how this works, actually. It's hard to imagine being foreign to Denver and Boulder, though I was exactly that two years ago. I'm not saying I know everything about the US, but somehow things I used to think weird, I never think about them anymore. Everyday in this country, I am reminded that I am not from here, that I'm transitory, this isn't my home. That's why I've been dying to find a place I can call mine, for the next five years at least, and not feel like such a stranger anymore. Isn't that what America is all about? Land of the free and all that. Coming here you realize that that's only limited to the precious few and far between.
Maybe I'mm just being pessimistic. End of year papers are due and I'm doing my usual procrastination.
And if anyone still reads this, hello again.
A lot to think about. So much so much so much. A relationship shouldn't be too interdependent. I haven't really learned that.
Two sneezes.
I am turning twenty-seven this year, you know. How did that happen? I feel like I need to be twenty again and learn how to grow up better this time.
velda.
he's never wrong
June 14, 2013 | 1:55 PM
He's never wrong, you know. Or rather, I never let him be wrong. On the small occasions where he gets some fact wrong he doesn't like it, and you can tell. But I thought it was cute, though sometimes, it leaves me with no choice but to go with what he says.
After leaving for Seattle it has been weird; things remind me of him, and I find myself mentioning this friend all the time. It probably isn't the same for him, I guess.
We had a lot of fun, didn't we?
I really want to know what fun meant to him, though.
velda.
I wrote this without actually thinking it through.
June 3, 2013 | 6:21 PM
I thought I wouldn't know what to write about. But maybe I do, I just didn't want to put it out in words, because somehow that makes it real. It makes it true, and I don't want it to be true.
i think we've all been trying too hard to be friends, maybe a bit too hard sometimes. But I think this trying happens cause we care too much, and the disappointment is just a natural part of the progression. I'm tired though, I'm not sure if I want to try that hard anymore, because I've reached a stage where I want to be a little selfish, and throw a little temper, and not suit everyone.
I'm not going to meet you tomorrow, because even though I really really like hanging out with you, I'm tired. Tired of pretending that I'm okay with us being just friends. It's not his fault too, and if the impression you want to convey is that there's been nothing between us, then I'm sorry, I'm not participating in this futile attempt with you.
I think I'm mad enough to leave it as it is, but I do want to leave you with one thing - that while these few months have been amazing, sometimes, they have been really excruciating too.
a short one.
April 26, 2013 | 5:08 PM
We fell asleep holding hands.
なんか言いたかっただけ。
weird.
This is a whole new weird feeling. I'm actually happy about the situation between us being like this, being how it is. I thought I would be more frustrated, more depressed, but no, this guy makes me so happy, and it's ridiculous, seriously. What happened to surprises, and dates, and flowers and all nice things that girls like and get happy about? Why is it that all I need, is to spend time with him and just talk, and everything. just. seems. so. knn-ly. fun. How is it that he makes me laugh so much my stomach hurts, and how is it we can guess what each other would say next, and say almost the same thing at almost the same time?
How is it that I know he doesn't want a relationship, yet I can still be as content as I was today, walking out his door in the morning?
Maybe I decided to be blind about it, at least for a little while. Maybe I'm just currently on the manic portion of this bipolar whatever thing I subconsciously denying I'm suffering from. Maybe I see that he's as happy as I am when we're hanging out together, and that's all I need, for now.
velda.
寂寞就好
April 21, 2013 | 11:48 AM
還是原來那個我 不過流掉幾公升淚所以變瘦
對著鏡子我承諾 遲早我會還這張臉一堆笑容
不算什麼 愛錯就愛錯
早點認錯 早一點解脫
我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去 痛到 受不了 想到 快瘋掉
死不了就還好
我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會 笨到 忘不了 賴著 不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 借來的都該還掉
我總會把你戒掉
還是原來那個你 是我自己做夢你有改變什麼
再多的愛也沒用 每個人有每個人的業障因果
會有什麼 什麼都沒有
早點看破 才看得見以後
我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去 痛到 受不了 想到 快瘋掉
死不了就還好
我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會 笨到 忘不了 賴著 不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 我總會把你戒掉
Lazy post. I am hanging in there, really. Not depressed, not crying, just kinda want to be alone for a while.
velda.
